Sunday, February 26, 2012

You're sorry, I'm sorry, we're all sorry..


Edenland - you can't outrun your shadow.

 Edenland's  theme  for this week is...  SORRY.

There is one word that sums up how I feel about my past life,  it is  REGRETFUL.   

Then SORROW,    SHAME   and  GUILT.

These    dark clouds  can invade my thoughts  at any time.     I don't dwell on these feelings and feel sorry for myself but if  I  see or hear a trigger,   the bleakness comes flooding in.
No,   I am not depressed nor do I suffer from anxiety and   I am so thankful for that every day.

I can't bring myself to write all the sorrys  I would like too.  So much still cuts deep after all these years.

I'm so sorry that I have not supported my daughter in the way that she would have liked and that she has hated me for 19 years.

I'm sorry that I  listened to her wishes and never involved the police.

I'm sorry that I failed as a mother. 

I'm sorry that I never had the guts or self esteem to tell my controlling parents to Fuck Off!

I'm sorry I went along and got married as my parents wanted when I did not.

I'm sorry I stayed married and tried to be a good wife and mother even though he was a drunk and a liar.

  I left after 20 years when a friend offered her home as refuge.  My mother told me I had a roof over my head at their place,  8 years after I had left the marriage?????     These are the same parents who drove my much younger sister back to her abusive and violent husband.  Apparently my mother said that if she can put up with it, so can  my sister.   Got to make you wonder, doesn't it?

I'm sorry that I think I became a sex addict when I left the  arsehole.  The joy of wonderful sex instead of a two minute quickie due to premature ejaculation was such a new and surprising event that I craved it.   ( Only one man )    Hell,  I wasn't that bad!   The bad sex was always my fault too.  

I'm so very sorry to my son over that.

I'm sorry that my kids have had the weirdest illnesses and accidents.  Not at all through neglect.

I'm sorry that I am too afraid of failure to start lots of ventures.

I'm sorry that I have never had support or back up and  that was all I needed to get me started on some great business ideas. Too freakin scared to go it alone.    Not a lot of outlay to start but not even a conversation about any of my ideas from my partner.  

I'm sorry that I allowed my partner to fatten me up....   Now it is so difficult to lose weight. AND he will sabotage my efforts even now.  I'm hoping it is a subconscious behaviour on his part. 

I am really sorry to have had,  chronic fatigue,  PTSS,  Ross River virus and a rotten slip down 4 steps that damaged some discs permanently in my lower spine.   I have never had a lot of energy to begin with so these illnesses really piss me off!

I'm sorry that I may not be able to travel overseas again due to the aches and  tiredness.

So.... there we have some of it.  I'm sorry for shocking you.



Rebel Without A Pause said...

Jesus. I hear you on so much of that.
Beautifully written, I hope you feel even a teensy bit better after getting it out.
Not shocking, brave and beautiful <3

Twitchy said...

Lydia, I'm sorry these things happened to you. I hope things get better from here.

Eccentricess said...

Oh, those slipped discs made me cringe. I have Degenerative Disk disease in my neck and scoliosis, hubby slipped a disk in his neck and it is just PAIN everyday.

So honest and real, thank you for sharing.

Remind Hubby that every kilo is extra pain on your spine. *hugs*

Sewconsult said...

Maybe only a little shocking. You are one of millions of women who have dealt with so many pains that many can not imagine. While my home life hasn't been the same, there have been issues that I can't discuss with many. The strict upbringing didn't seem that strict, since most everyone I knew fit that same mold. PAIN...emotional and physical pain are so intertwined. My hubby stated that we couldn't take any trips, because I am always in pain. We WILL be going to a niece's wedding in June, a torturous 2 day drive, but I need to get out of my world of boredom and normal.